so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
