I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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