you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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