i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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