I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
