i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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