I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
