You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
