If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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