The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
