sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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