This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
