My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
