so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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