No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
