His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
whose parrot is this?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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