I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
