Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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