Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
