Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
