can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
