walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize