Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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