I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
