You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
