he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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