i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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