Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
