I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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