my shit smells like andre
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
