im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
