He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
