Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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