i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
