The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
