You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
