remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
