I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
