I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
