he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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