i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
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