Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
