I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
