is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
