I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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