I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
