I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
