today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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