the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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