I like my sex mixed with concussions.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
