life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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