when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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