somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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