I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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