i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
