like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
