I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
