I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
