Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
