i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
True college students do jello shots in the library
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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