He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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