I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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