That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
