I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I want to be your penis for a week.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
